It's Friday. Sex?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
so much tequila, so little girl.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
