My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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