I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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