I want to walk on stilts...naked
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Randomize
