he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
