I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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