i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Randomize
