mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
