she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
