I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
