So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
