I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
