...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
