how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
then he tried to convert me to islam
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
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