Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
