I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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