we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
