He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
