did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
