I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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