I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Randomize
