I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
Randomize
