whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
think what you will about my sexuality, just get the cigarettes
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
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