cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
