well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize