Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
