i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
