Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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