I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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