I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
