I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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