dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
