I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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