dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Randomize
