Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
