The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
