Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
