She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I don't want my vagina anymore.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
