i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
