At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
I have no idea what i drank..i remember dancing and ass grabbing..u falling. Headbutts. Trying not to puke. And deja vu.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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