My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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