Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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