apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
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