you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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