Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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