i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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