I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Randomize
