He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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