Screwed.edu
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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