Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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