did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
I just forgot I was standing up.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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