You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
