Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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