this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
i think i have two assholes
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
